Panic

Was browsing reddit like always the other day and I came across a thread talking about last thoughts for when you're 100% sure you're gonna die. Saw this comment:

"Panic. Helplessness. The sense of doom was so great, there was no way the paramedics would get to me in time, it was a major heart attack. I just remember feeling like someone was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breathe, and there was a sharp pain, but also a numbness. I couldn't feel my left side so I wasn't sure if it was a heart attack or a stroke, either way it was serious. I told my brother to make sure he'd take care of my kids.

Paramedics arrived, start taking vitals, everything's elevated, but fairly normal. Not a heart attack or a stroke. I don't see how that's possible. Then they ask if I've ever had an anxiety or panic attack. I think they're fucking with me, not taking me seriously, I mean...I'm dying and they're telling me it's just in my head.

Aaand that's what my panic attacks feel like."

Panic attacks are the most scary things ever. Before I had one, I didn't think it'd be anywhere close to this bad. But this story really got to me... it's like "yeah, I'm dying. And confused." But then you're told you're fine.
I thought about what it meant to me.

The plane ride where I was drugged up and woken in a panic, stumbling as my world was spinning, trying to get through the people but not being able to stand up. Every step was like walking through Jell-O. Everything was spinning fast and time went by very slow-or fast- can't really tell in hindsight. Finally stumbling into a seat and puking up the very few contents of my stomach was the cherry on top.
I remember half-awakenly thinking "please God, let me die right now."

The previous plane ride, clutching my mother and then clutching the barf bag. The feeling that you NEED to get out of the situation. I clearly remember thinking "I sincerely wish I was dead right now."

The time on a coach bus on the way back home. I was in a weird state; not sleeping, not awake, but extremely aware. The sound of the rain and people's phones going off due to flash flood warning. The mumbles about how bad the weather is. That weird eerie, creaky sound from the back of the bus. Everything felt almost paranormal. I was playing "Stacy's mom" very loud on repeat on my headphones because I thought it was upbeat and silly and would calm me (and because it was the only one that would load.) Somebody felt sick and that alone makes me panic. I remember driving home in the car, feeling incredibly worn out. I remember thinking "this cannot keep happening."

The time I was being helped with music, when I tried to shun that weird feeling coming in my head that I was about to panic. Feeling cold and then extremely hot. My senses quickly faded out- all I could hear was a very loud ringing and couldn't see anything clearly. My entire world was completely spinning. I laid on the ground for a second but was okay with it because I actually thought it was a dream. I remember thinking "I am dying."

And just a week or so ago on a bus when I fell asleep and woke up as we were driving on the highway. All I remember was that I NEEDED to get off thag bus and NOW. I felt like something super bad was happening to me. I remember thinking "maybe they will drive me to the hospital?"

Now I know what you're thinking:
DRAMA QUEEEEEEEN! Yes, I agree. It sounds unbelievably drama-queeny.
That is why I never let people in the situation know, because it's just brain stuff. I'd feel quite silly if I said it was a panic attack actually. To me, it isn't just anxiety, it is the legitimate thought that I am currently dying. But other people just hear "she's anxious" when panic/anxiety attacks come up. I don't blame them. That's what it is, really. It just feels very very real.

Of course I was fine every time, and looking back at and typing it out doesn't seem very bad. However, the feeling of sheer panic, dread, doom, and yearning for immediate death is very intense at the time. No words can explain it. Of course I don't actually want to die, but at those times, it feels like something SO horrible is happening that that's the only option.

So, there it is. How I feel about fucked-up brain reactions that make you look very silly and feel very scared.